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after dinner, afterlife by `radiophonic:iconradiophonic:





After Dinner, Afterlife

If it were you and I,
both of us
bearing crosses on our backs,
and lifted high upon our crimes

(like a Bible story
or a fairy tale from some
damned, banned book)

we'd surely be honoured
at the gates of Saint Peter,
Valhalla
or Hell
with medals, wine, wings
and songs of praise

for our lives within fables
and our ability to conquer
with only a blind mule -
and a switch.
©2006-2009 `radiophonic
:iconradiophonic:

Author's Comments

Version 3 (Thank you, =zebrazebrazebra and ^imperfect)

Daily Deviation

Given 2006-07-16

Like a Bible story, or an allegory, after dinner, afterlife by `radiophonic works both on the surface and below. Whereas the Bible can contradict itself, this poem has no such problem. An enlightening, spiritual experience. (Featured by `imperfect)

Comments


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:iconzebrazebrazebra:
and lifted high upon our crimes

This was such a clever line. :D And while I'm on the thought, I love the sneaky little inclusion of 'Hell'. I didn't even notice that the first time around!


for our lives within fables
and our ability to conquer life


This was the only thing I had a problem moment with, and only because of the close repetition of 'lives/life'.

And in other news. YOU'RE FANTASTIC! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I LOVE YOU!
:iconashellessmind:
yah. What sarah said. (isn't that a death cab song?) This is a really great piece. I've always liked things with religious undertones, and this isn't an exception.
I like how the whole thing is hypothetical. Its all, If it were you and I. Not You and I.

Favorite line in the poem is "damned banned book" - it has a nice sound to it, I like how all of the words work with eachother in that line.

So yah. Good job. Glad to see you writing.

--
Harmonize your inward and your outward life, and you soul will know no bounds of joy.
:iconmsjames:
Among the other things already listed, I really like the last two lines the best. Those two lines say so much, with only a few simple images. Very nice work indeed. :)

--
~litNEWS, help us keep you informed.

may Beelzebub's scrotum rest firmly on your chin
:iconjewelcrazyblonde:
Amazing. I especially love your aside about what kind of book it would be. Nice touch. :)

--
Toujours vraie
:iconnathan-speaks:
Hi, this is great as usual, the structure is perfect!

And I love the title!

Nathan
:iconlovetodeviate:
Sometimes I get tired of saying things in English. This is wonderful, I really enjoyed it, blah blah blah.

Ca, c'est magnifique! ;P

--
Literature Gallery Moderator

For Writers: Resource Central: Part One | Resource Central: Part Two
:iconpinkymccoversong:
i love all the juxtapositions in this piece. and the linebreaks. and the wordplay. and YOU <3!

srsly. i wish i had actual crit but, yanno, sometimes stuff is just good :D

--
< GunShyMartyr > PinkyMcCoversong: o hi asl plz
< PinkyMcCoversong > GunShyMartyr: ask again in a cockney accent
< GunShyMartyr > ELLO daaaahling, what's yah name then. giveus a kiss would ya love? yer eighteen roite?
:iconexquisiteoath:
A breath of fresh air, finely balance between highbrow and lowbrow.

--
The promise: to live.
:iconimperfect:
Loved the introduction of wings. Songs of praise threw me (there's a BBC programme here called songs of praise and i was immediately taken to my childhood sundays being forced to watch it).

Consider dropping "lives" all together? Not sure it's needed.

However, i loved this :)

--
stirring stuff
:iconimperfect:
shit

consider dropping "life" :)

--
stirring stuff

Details

July 6, 2006
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